Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets Movie Parody
by PhoenixPadfoot89
Summary: Pretty much self-explanitoy... I took the movie and joked it!
1. Dinner Guests

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Movie Parody

Scene starts in clouds… we see the Warner Brothers Sign, then HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

We descend to see about a hundred million houses on one neighborhood, totally different from the first movie when there were just a normal amount. However, the worst part is that they all look _exactly _the same! The horror!

We find the back of number four privet drive, and can see that the only light on in the house is the one in Harry's room, even though the Dursleys are downstairs, planning for the Masons'.

Harry is looking at the book he got from Hagrid with magical pictures, and Hedwig tries to pick the lock on her cage.

Stealthily, the owl slips her beak into the cage, opens the lock, and flies out triumphantly, only to smack into the closed window when she tries to go outside.

Harry in a deeper, more mature voice than he had a month ago, which surprises all of the audience: Stupid bird! Now I'm gonna have to Ajax the window all over again!

Hedwig gives him a reproachful look. 

 Harry: I can't let you out, Hedwig! Besides, if Uncle Vernon-

On cue:

Vernon: HARRY POTTER!

Harry: *sniffle * You know my name!

Harry: *to Hedwig * Now you've done it!

Harry goes downstairs to find Petunia wearing the ugliest dress I've ever seen, and decorating a cake with cherries—or so they _look_.

Petunia: He's in there. Vernon…

Vernon: I'm warning you, boy! I'll have no more of those birds knocking into windows! Can't they see that it's just a reflection?

Harry: If I could only let her out for… an hour or two… or 24…

Vernon: So you can send messages to your freaky little friends? No sir!

Harry: The owls… haven't been bringing me news…

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley: …

Harry: Sorry, wrong book.

Dudley: Who'd want to be friends with you?

Harry, Vernon, and Petunia: …

Dudley: What? 

Dudley tries to eat the cake, but Petunia slaps him.

Petunia: Not now, pumpkin, for when the Masons arrive…

Petunia decides she likes slapping him, so she does it again, and again…

Petunia: slap slap! I love to slap!

Vernon: Er… let's go over our schedule once again, shall we? Petunia, when the Masons arrive, you'll be…?

Petunia: In the insane asylum… I mean, *in a false sweet voice * in the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.

Vernon: Good.

Petunia: *mumbles* I don't get paid enough for this…

Vernon: And Dudley?

Dudley: I'll be stuffing my self silly with cake, and growing to a size of roughly a baby killer whale.

Vernon: Good. *Turns to Harry * And you'll be?

Harry: I'll be warned by Draco Malfoy's house elf that there will be a plot to kill at Hogwarts, and then Dobby the house-elf will make me promise not to go back to Hogwarts. When I don't promise, he'll magic a cake to fall on Mrs. Mason's head.

Vernon: Good… wait, what?

Harry: Never mind. I'll be a good boy in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist…. Right after I ruin the punch line of your Japanese golfer joke.

~**~****~~****~~****~**~

Well, this is a start to a new story. I'm going to try and update frequently (though any of my current reviewers know that I say that every time). I've got four chapters done already, and my goal is to have them up here by the end of the week.

Let me know what you think. Is it funny? I hope so. Please review!


	2. Dobby the House Elf

A/N:

Well, here's the second chapter! I actually updated! YAY! Thanks to my reviewers, **Wiccan 107 **and **harryforeva! ***sniff* YOU REALLY LIKE ME! YAY!

Well, I hope you like this chapter too! Please review!

~**~****~~****~~****~**~

Harry goes upstairs and opens the door, and sees Professor Dumbledore in a straight jacket, mumbling something about re-fried beans… no, I forgot… that's later… 

Harry opens the door and sees Dobby the House-Elf bouncing on his bed.

Harry: Hey, that looks like fun!

Dobby: *grins*  You know what's even _more_ fun? —I mean, Harry Potter! Such an honor it is!

Harry: Who are you?

Dobby: Dick Chaney with Skin Cancer. 

Harry: *stares * Um… not to be rude or anything, but this isn't the best time to have Dick Chaney in my bedroom.

Dick Chaney: Ah… Dicky understands, sir… it's just that… Dicky wonders where to begin.

Harry: Why don't you begin at the beginning, Dicky?

Dicky: Call me Dobby, Sir. It sounds so much better then Dicky.

Harry: Ok. Why don't you sit down?

Dobby: S-Sit down? Sit down? *starts crying * 

Harry: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, Dicky- I mean Dobby.

Dobby: Offend Dobby? The only thing that could offend Dobby would be if Harry Potter set Dobby free at the end of the movie.

Harry: Er… *checks script * Sorry in advance, then.

Dobby: Dobby has heard of your kindness, Sir, but never has he been asked to sit down… like an equal!

Harry: *sounds like he's struggling on his lines or something * You can't have met many decent wizards, then.

Dobby: No, I haven't. That was an awful thing to say! *Beats head on dresser *

Harry: No, please shhh, Dobby! If you want someone to slap you, go to my aunt… she'd be happy to…

Scene cuts to Vernon downstairs. 

Vernon: Oh, don't mind that… it's just the… cat… yeah, that's it!

Mrs. Mason: Have I ever told you that I'm afraid of owls, house-elves, disturbed nephews, and floating cakes?

Vernon: Er…

Scene goes back to Harry and Dobby:

Dobby: Dobby had to punish himself, sir. Dobby almost spoke ill of his family, the Malfoy's… I shouldn't have told you that…

Harry: You sound like Hagrid… Er…I mean, your family?

Dobby: The wizarding family Dobby serves, Sir. If they ever knew Dobby was here… But Dobby had to come to warn Harry Potter. Dobby had to tell Harry Potter not to go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year!

Through the little 'speech', Harry made a 'w' shape with his mouth, realized that he was too early on his line, and closes his mouth.

Harry: What terrible things? Who's plotting them?

Dobby starts acting like he's got a horrible bowl movement that won't come out, and Harry understands that he can't say.

Harry: I understand that you can't say, judging by the fact that you look like you're constipated. 

Dobby grabs the lamp and starts hitting himself on the head with it. 

Harry: Stop, Dobby, stop! I'm the one who has to pay the electric bill! 

Harry manages to shove Dobby into the closet, just as Vernon opens the door.

Vernon: What the _devil_ are you doing up here?

Harry: Um…converting oxygen into CO2…… loudly?

Vernon: You ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke. One more sound and you'll wish you've never been born, boy… and fix that door!

Vernon leaves, and Harry takes Dobby out of the closet. Dobby examines a sock attached to his ear.

Harry: see why I've got to go back? I belong in your world; it's the only place I've got friends!

Dobby: Friends who don't even o-mail Harry Potter?

Harry: Well, I expect they've been… Hang on, how do _you_ know my friends haven't been o-mailing me?

Get it? O-mail instead of e-mail? Ha ha. Ok, continue…

Dobby: Harry Potter mustn't be angry at Dobby. Dobby hoped if Harry Potter thought his friends hated him and used him to get the Sorcerer's stone, he might not want to go back to school, sir. 

Dobby pulls out a bundle of o-mails that were hidden in his…er… pillow case thingy that he wears. That's got to be uncomfortable; having those rubbing against your butt (I assume that's the only thing he's wearing).

Harry: Give me those …

…

…

Now.

Dobby: NO!

Dobby runs out the door, down the stairs, and runs into the wall. After his concussion, he looks at the cake that Petunia made, and Dudley had already half eaten.

Harry: Dobby, get back here! Don't!

Dobby: *snaps his fingers and the cake floats* A-one, a-two, a one, two three four! Er… I mean, Harry Potter must say he's not going back to school!

Harry: No! Hogwarts is my home *tear *

Dobby: Well, if you put it that way… then Dobby must do it, sir, for Harry Potter's own good. 

Dobby snaps his fingers again, and the floating cake…er… glides over to Mrs. Mason.

Mrs. Mason: Have I mentioned that the only things that I'm afraid of are owls, house-elves, disturbed nephews, and floating cakes?

Vernon: *sings the Twilight Zone music * Do do do do, do do do do!

Dobby: * Snap * Snap, crackle, pop!

The cake falls on Mrs. Mason's head.

Mrs. Mason: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vernon: Sorry, it's just my disturbed nephew…

Mrs. Mason: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vernon: and some house elf…

Mrs. Mason: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vernon: Oh, and did I mention that he has an owl?

Mrs. Mason: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


	3. Vernon's er sad death

A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers in that last chapter! 

**Corny-freak- Thanks!**

**Harryforeva- Really? I hope no one noticed! ****J**

**Fading Moonlight- No, don't poke me! Ahhhh! **

**Christina Lupin 01442- Thanks! I hate homework too! ****L**

**Crazyweasley- thanks!**

**CIA151- I hope you got my e-mail, but if you haven't: no, I haven't abandoned any of my fics.**

Please review this chapter, and I hope you like it! It's a little short, but I'll try to update soon.

~*~

Scene opens with Vernon on a ladder, drilling bars on Harry's window, which doesn't do anything, really, because his owl couldn't escape through a closed window.

Vernon: You'll never see those freaky friends of yours again! Never! *evil laugh*

Unfortunately, *cough cough* Vernon was not concentrating on the ladder. Sirius Black appeared out of nowhere with a saw, and sawed down the ladder with an evil grin.

Vernon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Umph! 

Vernon bounced off of Dudley by a lucky chance, and sadly, both of them ended up living. Sirius Black disappeared.

Harry: What a day! I think I'll go to bed, only to be woken up by a flying car that has come to rescue me, because I'm the damsel in distress… * cough * did I just say that aloud?

So Harry Potter went to bed, only to be woken up by a flying car that came to rescue _him,_ the damsel in distress.

There were sounds of a car in the back round.

Harry: Look at that oddly shaped star… wait, no, it's a bird… it's a plane… it's mayonnaise! Oh, never mind, its just Ron's flying car.

Harry: Ron, Fred, George, what are you all doing here?

Ron: I'm here for the ladies. No, you prat, I'm here to rescue you of course! Come on, get your trunk!

Harry miraculously changes his clothes in a split second, and his trunk is all packed. The Weasleys pull the bars off of the window, and the Dursleys wake up. Vernon grunts like a warthog.

Vernon: POOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Petunia, he's escaping!

Then, all times slows down, like in the Matrix.

Harry: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Vernon: *very slowly * GEEEEEEEEETTTTT BAAAACCCKKK HHHHEEEERRREEE!

Vernon does that Matrix dive thingy where he lifts up in the air, and so does Harry. He and Harry fight in the air for about an hour.

Finally, they both land on the ground, and time becomes normal again.

Harry: get off! 

Vernon: you and that bloody pigeon aren't going anywhere! 

Harry:  Hey, you're pulling my leg! Get it? _Pulling my leg! _Ha ha!

Ron drives off, and pulls Vernon out the window. Vernon falls onto the shrubs and dies. The world rejoices.

Fred: Yay.

George: Yay.

Ron: Yay.

Harry: Hallelujah!

The world was a better place.


End file.
